The Father Wound: P2
Updated: Jul 17, 2019
Do you know the dance of unrequited love? You want him and he wants someone else. Someone else wants you, you want someone else. You chase, you feel the high, you pull back, and you feel the crash. You dismiss the ones that want you and obsess about the ones that don’t. Circles and cycles of getting just enough to keep you wanting a little bit more but never ever really feeling full.
His words don’t match his actions leaving you confused and second guessing yourself. Replaying conversations in your head or out loud, both the ones you’ve had and the ones that you still want to. Questions without resolutions that keep you coming back for more. Then he smiles and you forget why you were so upset to begin with. Sound familiar? That was me. I was addicted to the unavailable man.
I very rarely drink alcohol, I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. My vice was the man who would never choose me. I spent most of my life torturing myself trying to love men who were incapable of loving me in the way that I needed them to. Because…
I was in a toxic relationship with the father wound.
I chose people who reinforced the belief that I wasn’t enough, that if only I did this that way, or that thing this way, I would finally be free. I would finally feel what it’s like to be chosen and to be loved. Claimed. Protected instead of violated. I would feel worthy and validated.
Always hopeful but never healed.
At some point, there comes a point where the bullshit has to stop. You look at your life and the choices you made, the ones you didn’t make and the ones yet to come. And what you plan to do about it.
Taking my life in my hands required a good long ugly and equally painful look at the wreckage. While I am not responsible for the imprint I am absolutely responsible for how I choose to live the rest of my best life.
When an addict has to walk away from the drug, it hurts, it feels like a part of you is dying...because it is. You are starving the demon. And there will always be a million reasons why you feel you"need" to do it one more time. Sometimes you might even try it. Just to remind yourself how shitty you don’t want to feel again.
A good friend of mine, bless her patient soul, told me as I was desperately asking her and the universe simultaneously how to quit the drug, “…if it’s just a habit now, what do I replace it with?” her response was, “say the words la la la out loud for as long as you need and as often as you need to.”
Brilliant right? So simple right? And that is what I did, and still do when I feel the “need” to go back, comes around again.
When you start anew and begin to rewire an imprinted wiring from conception, the old wiring will take on the face of many people, it will trick you and it will get stronger when it feels you changing your DNA makeup. It's testing your new muscle, your commitment to growth and change. When you start to activate and operate on a higher vibrancy; where you no longer sabotage your growth and can actually allow abundance and love into your life. It requires you to face the demon, wrestle the demon, love the demon, forgive the demon and continue to choose your higher self over and over again.
Choosing to make myself available to the available man is the only way out.
So long old friend.